And here I am again. It's 9:40 in the morning and I am already sad, mad and pissed off at the world. This is becoming a habit.
The cycle works like this:
1. I wake up in the morning and feel pain in my wrist
2. Chris jokingly grabs the dog away from me and I leave, jumping on the opportunity to tell him he's doing something wrong.
3. I go to the bathroom. After tyring to poop out every piece of excess I have in my body, I step on the scale. It goes up, or doesn't move - either one, sealing in my fate that I am 130 lbs again.
4. Chris asks me how my weigh-in goes. I again am confronted with feelings that I suck and I failed. Juxtaposing his pride in how his body is doing and the irrelevance of the scale to his fitness goals with my results, I feel bad about myself and just get MAD.
5. I am so mad I don't want to participate in a solution. The world isn't fair, so it's easier to be mad than to try to change my part in it.
6. Chris gets up and goes along his merry way. I'm sad and left out.
Okay, Dr. Subconcious, what can I learn from this.
1. I'm really sensitive about my weight right now. However, opting out of fitness isn't going to solve anything. I really only have to wait one more day (probably three) until I get started on a program of my own. Running a little each day before then will activate endorphins and at least be good for my mental health. I keep saying that I "hurt" and that's why I won't run (I don't want to add to the pain), but I can always wait until I feel a little better before lacing up.
2. The only one I'm hurting with my anger is myself. I want company in my misery, but this is not a good solution. Chill out and take a breath, and a step back. Appreciate something.
I'm going to go look at the ocean.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Gratitude List
I'm finding myself pretty depressed that the weekend is coming to a close and I am feeling unfulfilled. This feeling blossomed into a tiff between Chris and me (as usual), and his advice was to be grateful - no, REALLY grateful, not just doing an exercise - for the things I have.
This is advice I hear and read all the time, but why don't I do it? My first response to this question is "No clue", but that's not really honest. You can always "get" a clue if you sit down and think about it and really follow the feelings. I think I decide not to feel grateful because feeling sad is safe. It's giving up on all the amazingness staring you in the face. It's opting not to participate in the pursuit of happiness because giving up is easier than trying to fight. Aaaand accepting my own responsibility.
So now I am fighting back. Finally.
Five Things I am ACTUALLY grateful for right NOW:
1. My adorable puppy. He loves me soooo much, and he is fast asleep on my lap right now. I have wanted a puppy forEVER, and he is the best I could have dreamt up. Sure, he barks when he shouldn't, and is having a hard time not pooping in the house. AND his upbringing is a source of contention between Chris and I. But, he gives me fabulous kisses :) And he really cares about making me happy. And it is so fulfilling to help this little helpless animal that relies on me to make sure he is okay. I love him :)
2. The great view from my window. I am currently listening to the waves crashing outside my window. The sun is shining, and there is a fun assemblage of characters passing through my field of vision while cruising the boardwalk. This is what I've always wanted! I'm living on the beach! It is beautiful, and I get to enjoy is every single day. That IS pretty cool :)
3. I am grateful for my good health. I've done a lot of complaining recently about my injured arm. I hurt it while surfing, and I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety around feeling left behind while my husband becomes an expert surfer. Life is NOT a competition. Yet, I approach my physical image, and what I can do with it, as a super competition. I am constantly comparing myself to other girls I see, and I have to admit that a lot of my gratitude for my health rises out of my feelings that compared to everybody else, I am doing really good! But then I compare myself to Chris. I see him working with his personal trainer, brandishing his new "guns" at every opportunity, and I feel... less. Apples to oranges? Maybe, but that stirs up a whole lot of resentment I harbor about the injustices of being female. The better tack to take is just to give up competition entirely. But it is HARD. So right now I am purposely taking the opportunity to be grateful for what i CAN do for ME, not for anybody else. I can run, I can balance well, I can manage my weight successfully. I can fit into all my clothes. I have fabulously low blood pressure and a low heart rate. Ok, I admit that I compare myself to Chris here too (mine is better!), but I know that I should be happy for anybody that is making positive progress. I am in a great place now, so my "lack of progress" shouldn't be causing me emotional pain. I worked hard to get here, and each day I want to be celebrating that on it's own merit.
4. A good job that is free from the rat race. Chris and I have a pretty nice setup. We work for ourselves, out of our home, which gives me plenty of time to take breaks to take care of the house, play with my puppy and enjoy the beautiful place I live in. Instead of being anxious to please a boss who doesn't understand me, I only report to Chris and myself. I spend a lot of time stressing about Chris feeling like I am making progress, but I realize that his opinion shouldn't be the more important of the two. After all, I am more well informed of my daily efforts, the challenges I face and the progress I make toward becoming a better programmer and building a better product. I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job :)
5. Friends that care about me. I went to a bridal shower yesterday for a good friend that two days ago asked me to be in her wedding. She has been such a great light in my life, even though we don't always talk that often. Her positivity and encouragement help me navigate my silly stresses, and it is so wonderful to have someone who can keep the big picture in mind. She's gone through a lot with family in her own life, and I am so grateful that she still has love to share. At the shower, I surprisedly ran into two other old friends, as well as met a few ladies I really jived with. The old friends made several complimentary comments about me, and it helped me see that I'm really not doing too bad. I often get sucked into feelings of guilt involving friends that I have not gotten back to or kept in touch with. While writing this, I ignored a call from a friend that keeps trying to get in touch with me to get together - and then cancels. I am also harboring a lot of bad feelings around an email invitation to get drinks - 4 or 5 weekends ago - that I have still not responded too. Juxtaposing these two situations together is helping me realize that everybody is busy, and that most people suffer in a similar way by not being able to follow up on commitments. We can't possibly do it all. The aim is just to love each other and do our best :)
Gotta admit, I feel a whole lot better now than when I sat down. Let's fire up Xcode and get programming.
This is advice I hear and read all the time, but why don't I do it? My first response to this question is "No clue", but that's not really honest. You can always "get" a clue if you sit down and think about it and really follow the feelings. I think I decide not to feel grateful because feeling sad is safe. It's giving up on all the amazingness staring you in the face. It's opting not to participate in the pursuit of happiness because giving up is easier than trying to fight. Aaaand accepting my own responsibility.
So now I am fighting back. Finally.
Five Things I am ACTUALLY grateful for right NOW:
1. My adorable puppy. He loves me soooo much, and he is fast asleep on my lap right now. I have wanted a puppy forEVER, and he is the best I could have dreamt up. Sure, he barks when he shouldn't, and is having a hard time not pooping in the house. AND his upbringing is a source of contention between Chris and I. But, he gives me fabulous kisses :) And he really cares about making me happy. And it is so fulfilling to help this little helpless animal that relies on me to make sure he is okay. I love him :)
2. The great view from my window. I am currently listening to the waves crashing outside my window. The sun is shining, and there is a fun assemblage of characters passing through my field of vision while cruising the boardwalk. This is what I've always wanted! I'm living on the beach! It is beautiful, and I get to enjoy is every single day. That IS pretty cool :)
3. I am grateful for my good health. I've done a lot of complaining recently about my injured arm. I hurt it while surfing, and I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety around feeling left behind while my husband becomes an expert surfer. Life is NOT a competition. Yet, I approach my physical image, and what I can do with it, as a super competition. I am constantly comparing myself to other girls I see, and I have to admit that a lot of my gratitude for my health rises out of my feelings that compared to everybody else, I am doing really good! But then I compare myself to Chris. I see him working with his personal trainer, brandishing his new "guns" at every opportunity, and I feel... less. Apples to oranges? Maybe, but that stirs up a whole lot of resentment I harbor about the injustices of being female. The better tack to take is just to give up competition entirely. But it is HARD. So right now I am purposely taking the opportunity to be grateful for what i CAN do for ME, not for anybody else. I can run, I can balance well, I can manage my weight successfully. I can fit into all my clothes. I have fabulously low blood pressure and a low heart rate. Ok, I admit that I compare myself to Chris here too (mine is better!), but I know that I should be happy for anybody that is making positive progress. I am in a great place now, so my "lack of progress" shouldn't be causing me emotional pain. I worked hard to get here, and each day I want to be celebrating that on it's own merit.
4. A good job that is free from the rat race. Chris and I have a pretty nice setup. We work for ourselves, out of our home, which gives me plenty of time to take breaks to take care of the house, play with my puppy and enjoy the beautiful place I live in. Instead of being anxious to please a boss who doesn't understand me, I only report to Chris and myself. I spend a lot of time stressing about Chris feeling like I am making progress, but I realize that his opinion shouldn't be the more important of the two. After all, I am more well informed of my daily efforts, the challenges I face and the progress I make toward becoming a better programmer and building a better product. I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job :)
5. Friends that care about me. I went to a bridal shower yesterday for a good friend that two days ago asked me to be in her wedding. She has been such a great light in my life, even though we don't always talk that often. Her positivity and encouragement help me navigate my silly stresses, and it is so wonderful to have someone who can keep the big picture in mind. She's gone through a lot with family in her own life, and I am so grateful that she still has love to share. At the shower, I surprisedly ran into two other old friends, as well as met a few ladies I really jived with. The old friends made several complimentary comments about me, and it helped me see that I'm really not doing too bad. I often get sucked into feelings of guilt involving friends that I have not gotten back to or kept in touch with. While writing this, I ignored a call from a friend that keeps trying to get in touch with me to get together - and then cancels. I am also harboring a lot of bad feelings around an email invitation to get drinks - 4 or 5 weekends ago - that I have still not responded too. Juxtaposing these two situations together is helping me realize that everybody is busy, and that most people suffer in a similar way by not being able to follow up on commitments. We can't possibly do it all. The aim is just to love each other and do our best :)
Gotta admit, I feel a whole lot better now than when I sat down. Let's fire up Xcode and get programming.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Five Things
Five things that have made me happy today:
1. Tiny spoons!!
I went to Crate and Barrel today on my way back from NYC. My goal: more glasses because I keep breaking them. I secretly wanted little spoons, too. And I found pretty ones! These will be for desserts. Lots of little tastings in the future!
2. HUGE Mugs!
My plan was to get in, get out at C+B, but I ended up wandering around instead. After considering some oil and vinegar cruets (weird word, but it makes me feel classy!), I realized what I REALLY wanted was a huge mug. As I told the sales lady, there is nothing better than holding a huge warm mug in your hand - SO comforting. It's 20 ounces - I love it. Can't wait til my next hot drink!
3. My bountiful salad
After coming back from NYC and deciding my happiness and self-worth was worth more than a diet, I made an awesomely bountiful salad. Lettuce, grape tomatoes, avocado, corn on the cob (off the cob), and Balinese BBQ chicken satay. SO good. I ate it outside, and I loved it.
4. My own TV Guide
Since Chris is coming home late, I'm actually watching one of my favorite shows, Glee, when it's actually on! Got to the TV after tutoring 10 minutes early, and I had no idea which channel FOX was, so I made my own TV guide. It's gonna be helpful, I just know it!
5. Post-tutoring Walk
Kinda at a loss for number 5, but I did really enjoy my walk I took after tutoring today. I spoke to my Dad (was trying to call my brother, but I ended up dialing my dad by accident), then my Mom. It was warm outside, I sauntered through my neighborhood, ended up at Whole Foods - in all, it was pretty great.
1. Tiny spoons!!
I went to Crate and Barrel today on my way back from NYC. My goal: more glasses because I keep breaking them. I secretly wanted little spoons, too. And I found pretty ones! These will be for desserts. Lots of little tastings in the future!
2. HUGE Mugs!
My plan was to get in, get out at C+B, but I ended up wandering around instead. After considering some oil and vinegar cruets (weird word, but it makes me feel classy!), I realized what I REALLY wanted was a huge mug. As I told the sales lady, there is nothing better than holding a huge warm mug in your hand - SO comforting. It's 20 ounces - I love it. Can't wait til my next hot drink!
3. My bountiful salad
After coming back from NYC and deciding my happiness and self-worth was worth more than a diet, I made an awesomely bountiful salad. Lettuce, grape tomatoes, avocado, corn on the cob (off the cob), and Balinese BBQ chicken satay. SO good. I ate it outside, and I loved it.
4. My own TV Guide
Since Chris is coming home late, I'm actually watching one of my favorite shows, Glee, when it's actually on! Got to the TV after tutoring 10 minutes early, and I had no idea which channel FOX was, so I made my own TV guide. It's gonna be helpful, I just know it!
5. Post-tutoring Walk
Kinda at a loss for number 5, but I did really enjoy my walk I took after tutoring today. I spoke to my Dad (was trying to call my brother, but I ended up dialing my dad by accident), then my Mom. It was warm outside, I sauntered through my neighborhood, ended up at Whole Foods - in all, it was pretty great.
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